Loneliness

Whether our husbands are at home or away on training or deployment, military wives often have an intense feeling of loneliness. We’re thousands of miles away from family and long time friends in a new, strange place often completely different than anything we know. Our husbands are making friends and have an immediate connection with his fellow brothers and sisters in arms, but who do we have? It is so easy to hid out at home and feel miserable and start to resent the military life.

In my opinion, we make this life whatever we expect it to be. Going into a new town and letting ourselves be alone is a good way to justify hating the military life. But, if you want it to, this life can be amazing. I’m not saying I love every second and there aren’t days that I feel absolutely and utterly alone no matter if I’m in a huge crowd or sitting at home with my daughter. I’m saying none of us need to feel that way 90% of the time.

Get out there. Today. There are a million ways to get involved in your military town, no matter how small. Bet there is a USO someplace nearby you can volunteer with. Have you reached out to your husband’s family officer or family contact with his command? I can almost promise he or she has some ways you can help with the next family event or even around the office. Join a gym, take a class, get a part time job just for fun. If you don’t want to volunteer with anything associated with the military, volunteer with the local animal shelter, food bank, or serve at your church. Or heck, join a church in the first place! Go for runs in your neighborhood and stop and say hi to your neighbors. I’m pretty sure no one will be nasty for you saying hi, and if they are move on.

You’re going to meet bad eggs. Those women who give all other military wives a bad name. Unhappy people exist in every society, don’t let them get you down. I promise there are women out there who will be amazing support and who are eager to meet you.

I’m astounded every day by people who barely know me who go so far out of their way to care and support me and my family. Something small like being an ear to talk to or a shoulder to cry on when missing him gets to be too much, to friends mowing my lawn without me asking because they know I can’t do it alone with the baby.

And you’ll get to be that person for someone. Make a point to be the friend you want to have. People you never expected to even get along with may just turn out to be the greatest thing to happen to you.

So today, find something to do in your community. Leave the safety of your computer and meet someone new face to face. Make this life what you want it to be.

The Big D

Not THAT, you dirty person. Deployment. Not something I will discuss very frequently. Not something I like to really even dwell on mentally. But for so many of us it’s a reality. We have to deal, in one way shape or form, with husbands and dads missing out on major life events. Birthdays, holidays, heck even the birth of a child in some cases. And we can try to mentally prepare ourselves for everything that will happen while our loved one is gone, but the fact is things come up. We know this holiday or that birthday will be missed but what about when a sudden opportunity appears that you feel called to be a part of. Do you try to put your life on hold and wait till your husband can be there? Or do you follow that calling and hope to include him as best you can? Its a different answer for every family and for every situation.

The aching loss of that person missing from daily life can hit in the most random places and times. I usually have to drag my husband out of bed and push him through every step of getting ready for church Sunday mornings. For some reason, not fighting to get him out the door in time to be there before worship has started has left a huge gap in my Sunday morning routine. It is quite possibly the hardest day of the week for me. Growing in my relationship with Christ and not having him here next to me, feels strange and wrong. I feel like it’s something we’re supposed to be doing as a family, side by side, not trying to find a way to stay connected not only in our marriage but in our faith over more miles than I can count. It is something I never expected to be one of the hardest parts of this life we have chosen to live.

Specifically, I have made the decision to be baptized. It’s not something that has come out of no where, it is something I have been thinking about and praying over for a while, but the opportunity has appeared and I feel called to publicly profess my decision to follow Christ. At the exact same moment, I was fighting back tears and the ache in my chest that my best friend and partner in everything won’t be there to see such an important step in my life.

I can’t wait to be baptized Sunday, and I know life goes on even though we’re apart, but it’s dealing with the missing out that becomes harder with each new event. We will continue to work through this to stay connected with each other as a family and find ways to include our service member in all of life’s happenings.

Quote for the day (not sure how positive it is): Distance means so little when someone means so much.

Fit Momma

Had a funny moment at the gym the other day, where the kind man at the front desk was giving me tips on my training for this wonderful 10k endurance run I am doing. He was very helpful with some training ideas and where I should be concentrating considering how behind I truly, but it gave me a bit of a chuckle. You want me to walk as many miles as I run? The concept is fantastic sure, but when its taking me 20 minutes to run 2 miles and then I am supposed to walk as much, I promise you the baby being watched by your childcare staff is going to be in a tissy by the time I’m done and I’ve still got to figure out what in the world I’m doing in that weight room.

The giggle wasn’t meant for the gentleman helping me, it was entirely laughing at myself. I had all these plans, I was going to be the “fit” mom. I was going to find time every single day to get a workout in, be it at home combat video, running with the jogging stroller, or finding a gym with childcare I could trust, I was going to lose this weight, do all these races, and look great by the time my husband comes back. Jokes on me. Getting a 2 mile run in and a couple of sets of weight machines before the kid looses it in the childcare is hard enough as it is.

For those moms who have the energy to really train for something, please tell me your secret. Lets just be clear, waking up at 5 am to make sure I get it in before the baby wakes up for the day, not a possibility.

My positive thought for the day: I can wear by new body proudly because I created, carried, and nourish a beautiful little girl with it.

My Worst Enemy

Why is it that as breastfeeding moms, often times we are our own worst enemy? Between worrying about how everything we put into our body will affect our infant, making sure this ingredient or that ingredient isn’t in our food, keeping our water intake at the right level and trying to keep ourselves functional without drinking too much caffeine, its a wonder we can ever relax. And heaven forbid we don’t remember to eat lunch while making sure all of the creatures in our house are fed and running a million errands while making sure dinner is ready to go because she certainly is going to have a melt down mid prep. Oh and do you take the time to make lactation cookies? One friend swears by them another says they’re useless but swears by Mothers Milk tea once a day, while yet another friend successfully exclusively pumped for a full year without using anything.

And it’s all self induced. We usually don’t have someone standing over us going heres your to do  list, it must be finished by x o’clock and a 5 course meal prepared and don’t you dare think of stopping breastfeeding before your daughter turns 1. Then if something goes wrong, the feeling of utter failure just can not be explained. The feeling that you’re missing something or doing something wrong and potentially hurting your child is easily one of the worst feelings on earth. 99% of the time no one but yourself is calling you a failure. In fact if you have other mom friends who have breastfed, for a full year or 2 weeks, you usually have your own corner cheering you on in the fight against your own insecurities.

Someone needs to shred the growth charts, stop trying to tell moms to pump and count the ounces their kid might be getting, stop telling moms that if baby isn’t nursing a half hour each side they’re not eating enough, and just let the natural come natural. Let mom and baby read each other, create a schedule that works for them versus what some nurse told them they needed to be doing while in recovery at the hospital. If what comes natural was encouraged more than making sure this chart is matched or that curve is hit, I bet more moms would make their goals.

My positive words for today: My body is designed to do this, I need to trust my body and my baby.

Expectations

Finally got to a church service this afternoon, after far too long. The message was one that hit home. I recently received a much needed moment of realization that no matter what we’re put through, as long as my faith remains in Him to provide, we will make it through. It’s all about where our expectation is, in ourselves to provide, or in His Love.

Today’s service was about adjusting our expectations of what is truly possible by being honest about ourselves and what outcomes are directly due to our own actions. Once we can admit that our troubles are caused by our own actions, we can allow the Lord to do his work through us. One of my favorite things the pastor said today was that ‘the size of your enemy shrinks the minute you see the size of your God’. Everything else pales to and is overshadowed by His Grace and Love.

Something else that really clicked with me today, was when our pastor talked about building a monument to faith moments. As a military wife, it’s often difficult to physically go back to the places the moments occurred, but I have emotional and mental monuments.

One of the biggest moments for me was calling one of my best friends after bawling my eyes out, as it hits me my husband is leaving for boot camp in a matter of weeks. I ending up finding a church to attend that finally gave me everything I felt I’d been missing from a traditional church and saved my sanity through those 3 months. It was that faith moment that opened my heart back up to God and has opened so many doors to me.

My positive affirmation for today: Remember the Lord says “I will be with you”

Where’s the time go?

I’m sitting here, it’s already after 1:30 pm, and I’m trying to figure out where my morning went? How have I seemingly accomplished nothing since 9 this morning?  My house is destroyed, I’ve barely just now gotten a shower in, I haven’t even start on my list of things to do in town today, homework hasn’t been touched, not to mention a workout or a run and the day is already half way over. No wonder I’m up till 1am every morning trying to get this that and another thing done.

But I have to stop and remember. My morning went to my little girl. We woke up after an amazing night of only waking up twice, I fed all the animals in this zoo, nursed, changed, and dressed another human being, managed to feed us both breakfast, we played and napped, I got the opportunity to have an almost real conversation with my husband, and still managed to pick up a couple of things around the house. When I look at that list, I think heck yea! OH and I forgot, I did it all without coffee because I forgot to grab some at the store yesterday.

I have this awfully hard time holding onto the mentality that, what can’t get done today will most likely keep till tomorrow, but my baby girl will only be 5 months once. Homework will happen, probably at 1am, if anyone who comes in this house cares what it looks like, thats their problem, my workouts come when my daughter won’t let me put her down for hours on end (that little booger gets heavy) and when we’re running around town like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get it all done in one trip. Have I mentioned yet how much harder it get daily to get anything done one handed with a kid who just figured out she can grab EVERYTHING?! Time to take a deep breath, tear up my to do list, and cherish every second I have with my little family.

My positive affirmation for today is: The bad news is, time flies. The good news is, you’re the pilot.

Reflection

While reflecting on the last couple of days, I’ve realized something. A true friend is able to accept you for who you are. The good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly. When an opinion easily rips a friendship apart without so much as a conversation about it, you have to wonder what really was going on over the last year? I’ve decided I’m not going to dwell on it. I have people who do love me for me. I have friends who actually appreciate my sometimes brutal honesty about a subject. I’m keep my head high, taking the higher road, removing people who don’t love me for me from my life, and moving on.

Woke up today from the first good sleep I’ve gotten in a week, baby girl is obviously benefitting from our positive path. Started on sweet potato puree today and as I’m preparing her food she decides to holler “dada”. She’s growing so fast, it feels like yesterday we had just announced we were pregnant and she’s already trying to crawl. I’m gonna go crawl in a corner and cry now. But seriously, being able to be a part of and watch this little creature grow daily is such a blessing, although at times it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

My positive affirmation for the day: I’m not the perfect mother, but I’m exactly the one my child needs.

Welcome

I am in the process of rearranging some things in my life today. Removing some stressors where I can and adding in some relief where available. Life is stressful enough between my crying infant, running a household, going to school, and dealing with all the military life has to offer, to have to deal with immaturity and drama.

I have no idea what to expect out of blogging, except a place I can post safely. I’m not planning any specific topics or path for this blog, just freedom of expression. I hope to keep things positive here as I also am trying to in my life, but I’m not going to regulate myself. Love me or leave me, but I will be the author of my own happiness from this day forward.

Positive affirmation for the day: I release fear, doubt and worry. I give myself permission to be happy!